I knew this post was risky. I knew not everyone would agree with how I chose to handle a drink situation at a recent birthday party my daughter attended. I even was prepared to be called things like “preachy,” “condescending” and “judgmental.” I was prepared for that response because, even though I’m none of those things, that comes with the territory. You can be tactful to a fault — hell, you can even say nothing at all — and there will always be people who see your choices as criticism of their choices. It happens on the interwebs and in real life. All. The. Time.
But what caught me by surprise was how many people called my actions “rude” and “impolite.” I even heard that speaking up was “not my place.” (It’s interesting to ponder whether any of these words would have been used if I were a man.)
Here’s what troubles me about so many people protesting my “manners”: For all the (sometimes tragic) signs that we have become a less-civilized society, in one aspect we have taken the concept of civility to the extreme. And that is in the way we tiptoe around certain topics as though they were landmines. Top of that list is food. And especially food consumed by kids.
Deference around food has its roots in a good place, in cultural courtesy and comfort and hospitality. But as our food climate has shifted — to where it’s not just a matter of eating something that maybe isn’t your favorite, but eating something that actually could be harmful — those notions no longer cut it. I’ve come to believe that it’s time for more of us to step up and speak up, that quiet protest is not enough. We can sit around and worry about offending people (and then complain bitterly in private), or we can actually try to change things. That doesn’t mean we should be jerks. But nor does it mean that it’s “rude” when we do speak up. Humor and tact have taken me a long way in nine years of advocating for my daughter and other kids.
Now, we can agree to disagree on whether a birthday party was the appropriate place to do that. As I wrote in my initial post, prior to that party I’d never said anything to a host. (Ever.) And I may never do it again. Not because I regret what I did, but because every situation is different. Judging by most of the responses I got, many of you have done or would do the same, or at least appreciate that someone would do it. But I respect those who feel differently.
What’s perhaps most interesting about the food conversation in our country today is that, while we mostly avoid the topic in real life, there is a raging competition online to see who can be the best organic mom or, in typical backlash fashion, the best junk-food mom. (Did you know that’s now a badge of honor, too?) I see both sides on blogs, forums, article comment sections and Facebook pages every day.
On one hand you have extreme-food parents who brag at length about how their kids only eat this or have never eaten that. And who hesitate Not At All to slam another parent for choices they perceive as less than perfect. (And I mean slam. The internet provides far too easy a cover for not only snark, but outright hostility.) And I worry that these parents are producing preachy and annoying kids, too.
Then you have people who’ve made a sport of ragging on the organic moms, yet they also practice their own brand of one-upmanship, asserting their superiority precisely because they don’t care about this stuff (or claim they don’t care).
Yet someone speaks up at a party or at school or at a relative’s house, and that’s controversial?
I’m going with the Lorax on this one: “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”
Copyright protected by Digiprove © 2013 Christina Le Beau
I don’t think it’s rude to care for others. That’s all you were doing. I love your Lorax reference. I can’t read it lately without getting chills — it’s all too true. Thanks for caring a whole awful lot.
I whole-heartedy agree! I believe what you did was right!
You’re SOOOO right! I’ve certainly held my tongue too much and only given brief explanations when pressed. I think it IS time to speak up more often, ESPECIALLY if you’re the type of person who tends to stay quiet and let things slide. Those are the people who will be listened to the most, as long as the message is presented in a non-judgmental manner. So many people just DO NOT KNOW about this stuff. Really. The more people politely declining with a “thank you, but food dyes and additives really make my child sick/ trigger my migraines/ give me a stomachache”, the more the message will spread that this crap is affecting ALL of us to some degree!
Thank you for doing what you do!!! Let me know if you’re ever in New Orleans – I would love to meet up 😉
—Val
http://www.eatdrinkandlivereal.com
I just reread your initial post that this one refers too, and I don’t think you were rude. I might have mentioned it to the Mom first just because I have a different comfort level then you do, but nothing wrong with asking water to be offered also. My son can not have Red-40, so I am use to requesting something else, and it usually does lead to the conversation about the nasty dyes in food.
It is never easy trying to change the status quo. Many people feel comfort in its reliability and threatened when that assurance is questioned. Without people like yourself, that seemingly immovable boulder would remain static. And you can be assured that there is an army of like-minded folks, cheering you on and supporting your efforts. Bravo. Keep doing what your doing.
Sorry, I wouldn’t tell others how to raise their children without being asked for advice. And I’m in the top 1% as far as how I eat and how I fed my family.
Leslie: Top 1%? What does that mean?
She didn’t tell anyone how to do anything. She did two things: 1) asked the wait staff for water to be put out in addition to the pink drink, and 2) said to the hosts, ““If it were my party I’d nix the pink stuff altogether. But it’s not, so I figure the kids can at least be offered water, too.”
Telling them how to raise their children would sound something more like, “You should stop giving your children XYZ (pink drink, soda, gatorade, etc) to drink.” or “You never should have served that pink drink at this party and you should remove it now.”
To me I see a big difference between what she did and what you’re perceiving she did. You can choose to try to read between the lines and make up your own interpretations (as I think many parents who wrote criticisms of this post did) or you can look at exactly what she said and take it at that.
I’m not trying to attack you here, as you are completely entitled to your own opinion. I’m just simply trying to work with the facts of what happened.
I read here, but have never commented before. This, however, caught me because, while tt may not have been meant this way, to me it came across exactly like the one-uppmanship talked about in this post. It translated, for me, pretty directly into “I eat better than everyone else; so if anyone was going to tell someone else how to eat, it should be me. So, because I don’t and I am so good, you’re a Bad Person for acting in a way I would not have.”
Again, that may not have been what was meant, and I hope that it was just a comment written very quickly, without the thought of how it may come across without the benefit of in-person inflection.
Amen, Chef Shawn!
(Chef Shawn: I read that comment the exact same way.)
The ragging on the organic moms, of course, makes ME crazy. 🙂 I’m really curious as to why the subject of food produces such strong reactions, and why it’s OK to speak up about, say, violent movies or video games or inappropriate sexual behavior…but not junk food and neon-colored drinks, which are known to be bad for kids. Why is it OK for another parent or person to feed something to my child that is unhealthy, particularly at school–where you don’t have a choice but to send them? And if you speak up about it, you are a food Nazi or have an eating disorder. I think you sparked an interesting debate and were brave to put it out there. Maybe it IS time to stop being so tactful!
Rude? Impolite? Those are absurd criticisms. You did not ask them to not serve the artificial drink – you simply asked that the children have an option of water as well. What on Earth is wrong with that? Nothing. You were not abrasive. You were not critical. You were not asking for restrictions but, rather, for an additional option that cost nothing. You were coming from a place of caring. If that’s the definition of rude, then we should aspire to it.
I have been at birthday parties when my daughter was only three years old and soda (diet and regular) were the only choices to drink. And I have asked “mom hostess” and “business host” for water for my daughter. When asked why, I answer. Now, five years later, we go to the parties and the moms’ serve water for everybody. So, if I was being rude five years ago, so be it.
I don’t think it is rude to protect your children. You are there mother that is your job if others don’t like it then maybe they should go read a different blog.
Thank you for writing this. Tears. We must speak up, it’s past time we speak up. Just yesterday I got a call from a friend who told me that a mother of a friend we both know and grew up with died of a heart attack. She was in her 50’s. Sadly, she struggled with obesity, which put her at a higher risk for a heart attack. In a matter of an instant she is gone 🙁 This is no joke. What we put into our bodies or don’t put into our bodies is the very thing that gives us sustenance and life or the latter, disease and death. And some may say, “Well, how extreme.” But, at the end of the day it’s our health statistics in the U.S. that are extreme. Our children, our little ones, the future of this great nation are projected to have a shorter lifespan than their parents based on food choice and activity alone. This should offend us, not the other, not speaking out against the very things that put us all at risk for disease. Thank you for putting yourself out there and taking a stand for health at the party and on this site.
http://freshly-grown.com/1-in-3-children-in-america-are-overweight-what-are-we-going-to-do-about-it/
I thought it was great that you spoke up, and good thing, too, since the kids asked for something else anyway. I don’t have kids, but I would see this as no difference than if a parent elected to show Scarface at their child’s birthday. Some (hopefully none) parents think that would be okay and harmless for their child, but some would not allow that at home, so it would not be okay at another child’s party. Under any circumstances. Americans as a whole need to begin to realize that some of these food “substances” are harmful and do not need to be part of our diets. Even for special occassions.
I have raised my kids(10,8,and 5) to not drink soda (even juice is limited to once a day but in reality they only want it maybe a few times a week), so at several parties I have walked over to the person running it and asked if water can also please be put out. (I have never asked for the soda to be removed though I wish it were. I too have seen 4 year old parties with soda).
My children will also without me even prompting ask for water themselves and say they don’t drink soda. I think it is most important to instill in our own kids the idea of being able to speak up, even if it goes against the crowd, and say I don’t eat or drink that because I choose not to, not because I am not allowed, but because I choose not to drink it. I have to say they actually don’t even want to try it , they find the idea of it disgusting. My five year old will comment on how bad high fructose corn syrup. When we want a fizzy drink my kids mix a bit of orange juice or apple juice with seltzer and love it.
Danielle: I so agree with you about “I choose” vs. “I’m not allowed.” We’ve tried to raise our daughter so that she understands why we make the choices we do, and taste is a huge part of that. Most junky sweet stuff just doesn’t even appeal to her because she doesn’t like the taste. We (as a society) need to give kids far more credit. That’s why I love what happened at this birthday party. It was the kids who said no thanks, this is not something I want to drink.
I just commented on your original post, but I’m going to say again that you were far from rude and it is astonishing that so many people have regarded it that way! And you are right that people will feel threatened and/or judgmental about our healthy food choices whether or not we speak up. One mom of a kid we used to have play dates with never responded again when she saw that the treat I had for the kids at the park was Annie’s Gummy Bunnies. How we feed our kids is such a touchy subject, as demonstrated once again by the reaction to your post! Sometimes I really am tempted to just tell people that we have an allergy to food dyes, but why is that more socially acceptable, when they are in fact “poison” for everyone? Is it just if your kid will be immediately affected by something that it is OK to speak up, but if you want to protect their health long-term, it is rude!?! And, once again, all *you* were doing is suggesting that the kids be given glasses of water in addition. It is so worrying that so many people felt it was rude for you to say even that- a very misplaced sense of propriety.
Yikes, really? Did she say something at the park that day? Or just look at you funny? Or what?
I often spend time worrying about how I will handle these kinds of situations when my kids are older. I get a lot of criticism about my food choices in real life even though I have NEVER told a friend or relative that they should eat like me. So speaking up makes me nervous since simply making unconventional choices for myself garners criticism…
Since I read your post, I have been (neutrally) mulling over the idea of active persuasion with the object of conversion to our set of beliefs, and the related social mores in contemporary culture. I believe that if everyone is secure, empathetic and genuine, we can share our beliefs without mutual offense. In reality, however, certain areas– child rearing, religion or spirituality, or, as we can see, food choices, are “off limits”. Any thoughts on why we dislike evangelism (religious or in the more generic sense)? Of course, it is always easy to find support for “evangelism” among those who share our beliefs. I suppose this is where rationalism and relativism collide.
Dana, my guess is that we dislike evangelism because it’s been ruined by zealots. In all those areas you mention. There are so many extremes in our society — and too many people pushing those extremes — that I think we’re all on the collective defensive.
I have to add, I think the pink drink sounds awful and I would have done the same thing (add water as an option). I think it’s ridiculous when sugary drinks are served with cake, from a nutritional as well as palate-training standpoint.
Sorry you got negative feedback. I don’t think it was rude AT ALL to ask for water to be put out. After all, you asked the waitstaff- it’s their job to serve people. And I’m sure you used your judgement when talking to the parent- sometimes it works, sometimes not.
It’s hard, like I said yesterday, when merely mentioning what we don’t/can’t eat gets a reaction as though we had lectured them.
I wouldn’t let my (then) 5 year old drink pop at a birthday party that was held at a pizza place. I held until he was crying. Then I gave in (you have to pick your battles). He went up to the pop machine, got a coke, brought it back to the table, tasted it, and a few min. later asked for water. I should’ve known from the beginning. I should’ve let him “try” it, knowing it would be too sweet for him and he would make the right choice. I never tell him no now, and he always makes the right choice. So proud!
There are certain topics that for whatever reason are considered untouchable. Like Lord Voldemort’s name, we shall not speak about them. Childhood obesity is one of them. I have written a blog post on this exactly a year ago when “Strong4Life” campaign hit the air and caused so much backlash. People screamed it’s a child abuse and bullying. Teaching kids bad eating habits and let them gain such an excessive amount of weight that it puts their health and life in jeopardy is – in their opinion – not. I don’t understand it. I am not a food junkie and I am not a health freak. I don’t buy everything organic and I don’t cook from scratch all the time, but I make an effort to select the best I can and to teach my child what the better option is, because in today’s world, obesity and unhealthy choices are a real problem. But as soon as you suggest that pink drink should not be the only selection available, people will call you rude. Yet feeding them crap is absolutely polite. Nope, I still don’t understand it. This is a link to my blog post: http://andreachmelik.blogspot.com/2012/02/obesity-is-bad-period.html
I am all those things you’ve. been accused of: preachy, condescending. judgemental, in regard to food choices. Or so I’m told. :-). And I SO appreciate what you did at that party & that you shared it. You were a great example of speaking up with tact & savvy & not cowering in fear of the “land mine.”. It is a difficult position to be in & you did good.
I try to be considerate of others way of raising their kids but Lord these days it is disgusting how they throw a bunch of processed unpronounceable crap on the table and laugh that they cat even pronounce it but its dinner. These are our babies people. I find myself offering tidbits of info more and more. We are the overly organic people. We raise our own meat and produce. I try to incorporate the why into logical conversation. You’re right though. Big AG and the FDA, USDA, etc have brainwashed millions into thinking that eating chemicals is nutritious. Its just a coincidence that disease is on the uptick right!… eat the food that makes you sick..go to the Dr and get their drugs…big cyclical yuckiness. Just wait till you have no grandchildren…oh wait most of the people are infertile already…I’m happy you speak up! we must for the sake f the kids!
It’s funny that a middle ground is being perceived as ‘rude.’ You have to be respectful to others but you have to stand up for yourself, too. “My daughter would prefer water, maybe some other children might as well?” What is wrong with that? It’s completely different than saying “That stuff is disgusting and you can’t serve it.”
Why is that politely saying “Thanks for being understanding about offering the kids water” is equated with snobbery?
And some of those people who think that find it entirely appropriate to tell others (like me) what a terrible, crazy parent they are for not allowing their the occasional (dye-filled) lollipop or other junk food? It’s cool to insult those who politely refuse certain foods, but it’s not cool to politely refuse in the first place? Really?
You can’t say “Don’t serve that crap, it’s poison.”
You CAN say, “I’d prefer my child have some water, thanks.”
It does not offend me if my guests would prefer water or don’t try everything I serve or don’t like everything they try! Everyone has different food preferences. When we used to visit my grandma (my dad’s mom) my mom would say, “Oh, could I just have some plain ____, I don’t care for vegetables.” She was perfectly polite and this wasn’t perceived as a problem at all. It was just her personal preference.
Somehow because we’re talking about natural/organic foods though, the automatic perception is that you’re a snob and that’s why you eat that way, and anything you say, regardless of how it’s said, is read with dripping sarcasm and judgment. Why IS that?? Why is choosing carefully what to feed yourself or your family automatically a snob/judgment issue? It CAN be, for sure. But it depends on how it’s handled. People need to stop coming into this debate with preconceived notions about those who choose “real food” and stop reading judgment into conversations where there is none. That just shuts down the situation and makes everyone feel upset!
Sometimes it’s not what you say but how you say it.
I think what you did was great. I think people should speak up more often, including myself. I’m always too worried about offending people.
I’m constantly learning new information about eating well and am striving to reduce as much processed food as possible from our diets. I appreciate all my friends who have taught me so much in the last 12 years so I can feed my family of 8 and keep them healthy. I never thought of friends being snobby when they were trying to shove important food info at me, but would chuckle when one friend would bring her own organic chicken when we were making dinner for her family, before that was a staple at our house. We have to do what is right for us. I tell people that I’m wacko about food, but also that I’m ok with that and I don’t really mind what they think because I’m keeping us healthy.
Tricky situations. But required.
We have recently (in the last three months or so) made a fairly big switch in our eating, no more or very little refined anything, organic, etc. With two small kids (1 and 4), this has been pretty easy to achieve at home, but I am finding that as we increasingly try to bring our “new” way of eating out into the real world, we are met with resistance. I am still having a hard time eating at other people’s houses.. is it rude to bring your own meal, refuse theirs, etc.? People look at me funny when I say we’d rather not have certain things to eat..
That said, with respect to this particular story, we bring water bottles everywhere, to restaurants, other people’s houses, everywhere. The kids see Mommy drinking from her water bottle and they drink from theirs. The subject of buying a drink while we are out, or drinking something offered by our host, has very rarely come up. My daughter, when she was 3, was accidentally served Sprite (how?) in a styrofoam cup at a restaurant when we had asked for water. We didn’t notice, since the cup had a lid, but when she drank it she said, “This water tastes funny.. I don’t like it!” That’s the only time she’s ever had soda and has never asked to try it again.
I cringe when I see all the kids at the older kid’s preschool having those day-glo ice pops, or Cheez-Its, or any of the other “kid snack foods”. Not sure how to avoid that one either.
Michelle: We don’t bring our own food to friends’ houses (unless it’s a potluck or I’ve offered to bring a dish or something), but I do choose selectively. And I don’t have a problem (politely) declining an item. I don’t say why — only “no thank you.” And that’s if I need to say anything at all. Often it’s as easy as just not taking something!
As for preschool: We provided our daughter’s snacks all through preschool, so that’s how we took care of that. I also talked to the school about providing better options for parties and such, which they did, gradually. And if we’d been there more than two years, I would have gotten more involved in that.
HTH?